capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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