I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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