**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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