he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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