Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So vagazzling was a success
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