My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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