and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
