I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You are a booty call, not a friend.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
