I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
