We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
