I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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