I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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