I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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