I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
