Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
