Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
