listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
