My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up under a house in Key West
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
