If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
