I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
love makes seman taste better
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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