Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dick very happy bro
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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