why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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