Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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