im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
