If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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