My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
