It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
