First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
