Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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