3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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