I wish I could punch you in the face.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
