these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
