4 words: hood of his car
I need to stop coming to work sober
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
