This is not my ceiling
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
