Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
