At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
