oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
