I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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