Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
