I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
