Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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