bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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