You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
