don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
