Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
