see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
