I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
