I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
