then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Randomize
