I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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